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« Getting Started | Main | A Musicians Roadmap To Setting Goals for 2010 »
Tuesday
Dec222009

Global Self-Promotion License Application

Beginning in 2010, anyone self-promoting on the Internet has to obtain a Global Self-Promotion License (GSPL). Failure to do so, will result in the revocation of your Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, and YouTube accounts; moreover, repeat offenders will lose their license to blog and comment on the Internet.

We all have attention capital accounts. Attention capital accounts are recharged via great user experiences and energizing content; whilst overwhelming choice, bad design and unrefined content have the opposite effect.

Music Industry Self Promotion Privileges Calculator
Please use the Self-Promotion Privileges Calculator (SPPC) below to determine which self-promotion license you qualify for.

Standard MySpace (SM-GSP) License
If grandma, grandpa, mom and dad have listened to (with or without earplugs) and smiled at your music, you are cleared to create a standard or botched MySpace profile page. However, if you plan on engaging in the useless and annoying act of MySpace friending, you will need to obtain the MySpace Plus (MP-GSP) license. Neither of these GSP licenses qualifies you to engage in any other forms of self-promotion.

Standard Facebook Profile (SFBP-GSP) License
After the people that tell you what you want to hear (girlfriends / boyfriends) have convinced you that your music is “pretty good”, you qualify for a Standard Facebook Profile License. NOTE: The SFBP-GSP License is a license to create standard Facebook profile pages only. The SFBP-GSP license does not cover Facebook Fan Pages, the use of widgets or Facebook apps. Anyone caught using widgets under SFBP-GSP license will have their GSP license revoked. Infrequent music-related status updates are legal under this license.

The Standard Widget (SW-GSP) License
If you have played in front of more than fifty people, AND more than six people know the lyrics to one of your songs, AND more than five girls (over the age of 15) have simultaneously swayed or slightly rocked to one of your songs (covers not included), then you are qualified to use ugly, over-branded, feature-laden or poorly designed widgets (up to five per web page). However this W-GSP license does not cover widgets that have been custom designed and developed. The SW-GSP license also enables you to deploy widgets on your own blog or website.

The Status Update (SU-GSP) License
The Status Update (SU-GSP) license qualifies you to use a Facebook Fan Page and/or a Twitter profile to notify your small but growing list of fans on status updates pertaining to music creation, scheduling and other infrequent humorous or heartfelt happenings. To qualify for a SU-GSP, at least three industry professionals that have worked on a combined total of no less than 65 albums (or 300 singles) must agree that your music “could be pretty good with some paid improvements”. Local producers with more gear than money qualify as legal song appraisers.

The YouTube Video (YTV-GSP) License
To spend money to create, and to place and promote a music video on YouTube, you must be generating at least $50,000 a year in music-related revenue. Otherwise, save your money until you have almost arrived. If you have synched one of your less-than-stellar songs to a wild, unique or unusual video that could become viral with or without your song, or if you have created a live music videos with poor sound quality, you may apply for this license separately.

The Professional Self Promotion (PRO-GSP) License
The Pro-GSP License enables you to molest the local, regional and national press that cover music and entertainment. You are also licensed to spend money on custom widgets and iPhone applications. To qualify for this license, large lines must form wherever you perform and/or several music industry veterans should be trying to persuade you to follow them into eventual bankruptcy. Pro licenses are rarely granted to artists that have not already professionally recorded at least one album or six singles.

Reader Comments (18)

So where do I apply for my license?

General cynical mode: the words "license" and "Internet" (especially if content is somehow involved) do not coexist in the vocabulary of most users and quite a number of companies (often large), so maybe I shouldn't bother either.

Very clever! I could see this being worked into some sort of self-assessment tool. You answer some survey questions and it tells you what license you "qualify" for and then shows you tips on how to get to the next level :)

December 23 | Unregistered CommenterEthan Waldman

Gotta hand it to you, Bruce, this was pretty funny.

But then Kryzyzztozf totally stole the show by not realizing it was a joke and proceeding to criticize your post at face value.

That...still has me belly laughing as I type this.

December 23 | Unregistered CommenterJustin Boland

It's "lose" not "loose". Your license can be revoked for that.

December 23 | Unregistered Commenterriiiight

@Justin:
It seems I valued your sense of humour higher than you did mine.

Happy Holidays!

@ loose.. Yikes, I had two people read this for accuracy. Thanks.

-Bruce

December 23 | Registered CommenterMusic Think Tank

I may ask to re-post this on April Fools Day. Brilliant!

December 23 | Unregistered CommenterBruce Houghton

Thanks, Bruce. This is a riot. BTW, I understand they're going to license walking in 2011. The standard RMR (Rubber Meets the Road) covers everything.

December 23 | Registered CommenterAllen Shadow

Thought MTT was where the industry thinks out loud...now you've gone and added laughs out loud - you've outdone yourself, Bruce - thanks!! And oh the irony...

December 23 | Unregistered CommenterDg.

8-(
sob...

I didn't get it. I thought it was serious. For too long anyway.
Because it all makes pretty good sense. TOO good sense.
The first thing that tipped me off was the clue that Facebook and MySpace would agree on a policy. HA! Gotcha.
Aww, the music industry is always thinking of new ways to shoot themselves in the foot, and the fee schedules you describe are already pretty much in place, mutatis mutandis.

December 23 | Unregistered CommenterBruce Meyer

@ Bruce,

You are not the only one. I have gotten more than a few emails asking if I was serious. I was thinking about making it more clear. All in good fun.

Cheers,

Bruce

December 23 | Registered CommenterBruce Warila

I can't wait to file with my Self-Promotion Rights Agency. They're a non-profit clearing house for self-promotion compulsory internet licenses -- defending the rights of musicians everywhere to shamelessly self-promote :)

December 23 | Unregistered CommenterKevin G

The title really piqued my interest. I was like "What??". As I read on I was cracking up. Very clever. And I like Bruce Houghton's idea of an April 1st post. I bet that you'll get a lot more comments than you did this post. But they'll be a bit more serious than this lot.

December 27 | Unregistered CommenterDave Lopez

Ridiculous idea! Yea, I know people are trying to figure out different ways to get a grip on a business model that will work for the music industry, but come on! The internet has been a force that levels the playing field between the big guys and the little guys and necessitating a license in order to promote yourself is another futile attempt. Try again, this won't work.

December 29 | Unregistered CommenterJoe

@ Joe - your kidding right? OK, perhaps I should have been completely clear that this was a joke..

-Bruce

December 29 | Unregistered CommenterBruce Warila

Dude, Im over here like man.... These licensees sound like BS. Do I really have to get one of these?

January 31 | Unregistered CommenterDerrick Branch

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